An honest self-analysis on why and how I left my career. In this article, I'm sharing my thought process about why it took me 11 years to leave accounting, how I made the first step to change, and simple tips for you to do the same.

I was all over the place

You might know that I was born and raised in China, moved to San Francisco in 2015, and began a career as a startup accountant in Silicon Valley.

You might also know that I left San Francisco in 2019, traveled to 30 countries on my own for 10 months, and moved to Canada by myself in 2020. Since then, I've been working (almost) full-time and exploring multiple side projects. I was all over the place.

On the surface, I seem like a happy explorer who's lucky enough to travel around the world and work on "passion projects." But, deep inside, I know that's not the entire truth.

You might not know that being an accountant is something I've agonized over for 11 years, ever since my first accounting class at university. And I've wanted to change my career for 6 years, even before I started.

I didn't know what I wanted, and my dad never allowed me to change my major at university. Although I went to San Francisco to study social entrepreneurship for my master's degree, when my parents cut me off out of the blue right after graduation, I grabbed accounting for survival. I needed a job and a work visa. It was my most feasible solution to stay in a foreign country. How could I ever admit I dislike accounting when my survival hinges on it?

"Why can't you find peace with your job?"

My dad vented—valid question. After this long time. So many people would die for being in my situation: I earned six figures, enjoyed my life in San Francisco, and have been a digital nomad since 2019.

Why can't I live with it and focus on the "positive sides"? Am I just acting spoiled and wanting too much? Considering the current economic situation, quitting without a job lined up is "dumb”. So why?

Because there are things in life we can't live off the silver lining

A career is one. As much as I love solving problems and working with startups, 80% of my job is boredom and depression. It's already been 6 years. I can't afford to spend 80% of my life depressed for the 20% of excitement. It should be the opposite.

Some would say, "You are not your job." I find it hard to believe. If that's the only thing you do besides sleeping and eating, it becomes part of your identity, whether you like it or not.

I'm afraid that "finding peace" and "focusing on the positive sides" will become self-deception with time. I don't want that, and I need to take control of my next chapter.

Job and work are different

Job is a money-making vehicle; work is time spent on self-fulfillment. If I can't "find peace" with my job, I need to turn the job into fulfilling work. It started with acceptance. Accept my true self, accept reality, stop the sugar-coating, and stop pretending it's going to work when it's not.

Two symptoms I can't ignore anymore:

1. When positivity became toxicI enjoyed the honeymoon phase as a startup accountant. It's my first taste of freedom. I proved to my parents that I could survive without their support. I loved the friends from work, and I was excited to take on new clients. Although I didn't like accounting, I tried to finish the repetitive part of my job as fast as possible. I was good at it, but I was resentful."This is just a means to an end." "Try to focus on the positives." "Be grateful for what I have now." Every month for 6 years, I talked myself out of boredom and distracted myself with parties, exercises, and getaways. I did what I had to do to survive in a foreign country. It built up my resilience. However, over time, my endurance became suppression. And the positivity became toxic. I began procrastinating, looking for shortcuts, and avoiding hard conversations and challenges. I was quiet-quitting. Seeing myself slack like that was one of the saddest things.
2. When I realize I don't want to grow to the next level at my job. I was at a stage where my clients needed me to grow to the next level: be the senior controller and eventually CFO. I again tried to make it work by motivating myself with new challenges: I signed up for the CFO training program. But the moment I started the class, I started hating myself. I had no interest in becoming a CFO. I was dreaming about design, education, and making a social impact. That's when I came to accept that I have no future on this path. Plus, the longer I force myself to stay, the more harmful it is to my clients. This joint force of the client's needs and my hopelessness pushed me to rip the band-aid off and own up to the consequences.

So what are the lessons? 

Three things I wish I had done earlier:

1. Share the tolerating sheet with your family and your work. Share anything that's been on your mind for too long in a calm and vulnerable way. The most liberating thing I did was tell my dad that I couldn't tolerate accounting anymore. Although he didn't know I would quit at the end of 2022, gaining his empathy and permission through my last declaration was a great relief. Same with telling my clients. I feel responsible for my dad's happiness and my client's success. Not telling them the hard truth made me feel like a liar for a long time. I wish I had done that earlier. The reality is your family will always want you to be happy, and a sustainable business will grow with or without you. How to start the conversation: "I want to be honest with you. I've been feeling like___, I'm thinking about doing___, but I worry that will create a negative impact on you. What do you think? And How can we make this less painful for everyone?"You get the idea.
2. Accept the reality and stop self-oppressionPositivity can be toxic when it functions to reject negative emotions. Toxic positivity is self-oppressive. When you feel depressed, try to step out of the moment and observe it. Do you want to sugar-coat yourself, or do you want to address the real problem? I regretted talking myself too much into the job. It's like you know you are in a miserable relationship. Still, you force yourself to focus on the positives whenever you think about breaking up. When you do it repeatedly, you are oppressing yourself. And it will only lead to a dark circle.For me, acceptance is the start of every change. My solution was to observe my life as an outsider and accept it. Don't make it work when it's not. We can always start from what we have and break down the obstacles piece by piece.
3. 80% self-exploration and 20% survivalMany people think they only deserve a "happy" life after succeeding in survival, especially international students and new immigrants. I did that in the first two years of my career, and I regret it. 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 352, and two-thirds of that are in their 20s. We have limited energy and time. If we let survival occupy all of our energy, we won't have the mind to explore. Of course, not everyone can afford to quit. I certainly couldn't. But I wish I didn't let my job consume me 100%. I wish I had started part-time or less, only using 20% of my energy to survive. If I could do it all over again, I would:
   1. Calculate the minimum amount I need to survive in a city. If you can survive with $50K, don't make it $100K. Try your best to ensure it only takes 20% of your time and energy.
   2. Use 80% of your time working on side projects, and get an internship with something you love.
   3. The trick is to be intentional about the money-making vehicle. Don't take a job that drains you, even for survival.

Final thoughts

There is no better moment to start a change than this moment. A resolution without self-revolution can be just another band-aid. If you are thinking about stepping out of your comfort zone and changing the status quo, try ripping off the band-aid and having an honest conversation with yourself and your loved ones.